First of all, everyone, we just want to let you know that we’ve missed you SO much! Work got in the way of our lives and we promise you we didn’t mean to abandon you and we never will again. With 2012 coming to a close, we wanted to make sure we led you into the New Year with some sort of useful advice to give you hope for a happy, healthy, and night-after-night-of-multiple-orgasm filled year. As our lives have been crazy lately with failed relationships, long hours at work, and the Giants collapsing right before our eyes, we struggled to find that light at the end of 2012 that would inspire us to move carelessly into 2013. And then we found it… a HAFA from the San Diego Chargers
We realize that many of our readers are guys, not girls, so guys, while we talk about this linebacker who is not to be named, we’ll allow you to picture that we mean Alex Morgan or a back-in-the-day Jennie Finch. As we mentioned, part of our stress towards the end of 2012 was failed relationships. Umm can you say rebound? Who on earth is better to rebound with than an on-the-road-athlete who you’ll only ever be able to see once or twice a year? We took one look at this HAFA and were instantly more wet than the Pacific Ocean.
We would like to think we know our readers fairly well by now, and that we would be correct to say you girls have gotten the eye-fuck down to a science. An athlete fresh from the locker room in his get-a-way day clothes might be one of the sexiest things we’ve ever seen. He’s got his mind on one thing when he’s on his way out… and that’s getting his ass on the plane… that is… until he catches some gorgeous girl (you, not us) looking him up and down with a flirty, I-wanna-call-you-daddy smile.
There is zero for you to lose in this situation. You can either let him get on the plane and kick yourself for not saying something, or you can take advantage of this opportunity knowing there is a fuck ton of sexting with the hottest, most in-shape football god you’ve ever seen in your future. We know you well enough by now to know you’re going with the latter.
You: Great Game today.
Hot Linebacker: Thanks, appreciate it.
You: Sorry, I know you’re in a rush. I just wanted to introduce myself, I’m ______.
HL: Hey, really nice to meet you. You come to a lot of our away games?
You: This is actually my first, but after today, I’m pretty sure it won’t be my last. Are you headed out this way anymore this season?
**In football, the answer will be no, but in any other sport, it very well could be yes.
HL: Not with the team, no, but I may be coming out on my own for vacation.
You: Oh nice, very cool. Listen, I don’t want to hold you up, but here’s my card. Next time you’re in town, send me a text or something. If you don’t have anyone to show you around the nightlife scene, I’d be happy to.
HL: Thanks so much. Nice meeting you.
We could just about guarantee that you’ll be hearing from this guy in no longer than two days. This guy lives all the way across the country, though. What could you possibly have to say when he texts you? The beauty of a sexting relationship that is going absolutely nowhere except the bed, floor, and bathtub of a ritzy hotel is that unless you say something like “I have herpes,” theres really nothing you can’t say. We’ve learned that there’s nothing a guy likes more than thinking he’s found the most innocent girl in the world and finding a way to take her from Shoshanna from Girls, to Pamela Anderson. When the texting starts off, we recommend being as sweet and innocent as possible until he starts to take it to the next level. Resisting at first is definitely key, but once he starts to push, set your inner Lindsay Lohan free. The best advice we can possibly give you is NOT TO SEND ANY NAKED PICTURES. If you want to get him to send some to you, that is totally your call, but the mystery of what he’s going to be getting when he finally sees you will make the sexual experience that much more unreal for both of you (plus, it gives you time to hit the gym hard until the day you see each other again finally comes).
When Mr. HL comes to town for vacation, or his next game, or whatever the reason, be sure he’s going to give you a call and the night that you two spend together is going to be the steamiest, dirtiest, loudest, most unbelievable night of your life. In the mean time, we recommend you invest in a realllllly good vibrator.
Happy Holidays. Happy New Year. Happy Sexting.
V & J