Lesson #8: Meeting an Athlete

First of all, everyone, we just want to let you know that we’ve missed you SO much!  Work got in the way of our lives and we promise you we didn’t mean to abandon you and we never will again.  With 2012 coming to a close, we wanted to make sure we led you into the New Year with some sort of useful advice to give you hope for a happy, healthy, and night-after-night-of-multiple-orgasm filled year.  As our lives have been crazy lately with failed relationships, long hours at work, and the Giants collapsing right before our eyes, we struggled to find that light at the end of 2012 that would inspire us to move carelessly into 2013.  And then we found it… a HAFA from the San Diego Chargers

We realize that many of our readers are guys, not girls, so guys, while we talk about this linebacker who is not to be named, we’ll allow you to picture that we mean Alex Morgan or a back-in-the-day Jennie Finch.  As we mentioned, part of our stress towards the end of 2012 was failed relationships.  Umm can you say rebound?  Who on earth is better to rebound with than an on-the-road-athlete who you’ll only ever be able to see once or twice a year?  We took one look at this HAFA and were instantly more wet than the Pacific Ocean.

We would like to think we know our readers fairly well by now, and that we would be correct to say you girls have gotten the eye-fuck down to a science.  An athlete fresh from the locker room in his get-a-way day clothes might be one of the sexiest things we’ve ever seen.  He’s got his mind on one thing when he’s on his way out… and that’s getting his ass on the plane… that is… until he catches some gorgeous girl (you, not us) looking him up and down with a flirty, I-wanna-call-you-daddy smile.

There is zero for you to lose in this situation.  You can either let him get on the plane and kick yourself for not saying something, or you can take advantage of this opportunity knowing there is a fuck ton of sexting with the hottest, most in-shape football god you’ve ever seen in your future.  We know you well enough by now to know you’re going with the latter.

You: Great Game today.

Hot Linebacker: Thanks, appreciate it.

You: Sorry, I know you’re in a rush.  I just wanted to introduce myself, I’m ______.

HL: Hey, really nice to meet you.  You come to a lot of our away games?

You: This is actually my first, but after today, I’m pretty sure it won’t be my last.  Are you headed out this way anymore this season?

**In football, the answer will be no, but in any other sport, it very well could be yes.

HL: Not with the team, no, but I may be coming out on my own for vacation.

You: Oh nice, very cool.  Listen, I don’t want to hold you up, but here’s my card.  Next time you’re in town, send me a text or something.  If you don’t have anyone to show you around the nightlife scene, I’d be happy to.

HL: Thanks so much.  Nice meeting you.

 

We could just about guarantee that you’ll be hearing from this guy in no longer than two days.  This guy lives all the way across the country, though.  What could you possibly have to say when he texts you?  The beauty of a sexting relationship that is going absolutely nowhere except the bed, floor, and bathtub of a ritzy hotel is that unless you say something like “I have herpes,” theres really nothing you can’t say.  We’ve learned that there’s nothing a guy likes more than thinking he’s found the most innocent girl in the world and finding a way to take her from Shoshanna from Girls, to Pamela Anderson. When the texting starts off, we recommend being as sweet and innocent as possible until he starts to take it to the next level.  Resisting at first is definitely key, but once he starts to push, set your inner Lindsay Lohan free.  The best advice we can possibly give you is NOT TO SEND ANY NAKED PICTURES.  If you want to get him to send some to you, that is totally your call, but the mystery of what he’s going to be getting when he finally sees you will make the sexual experience that much more unreal for both of you (plus, it gives you time to hit the gym hard until the day you see each other again finally comes).

When Mr. HL comes to town for vacation, or his next game, or whatever the reason, be sure he’s going to give you a call and the night that you two spend together is going to be the steamiest, dirtiest, loudest, most unbelievable night of your life.  In the mean time, we recommend you invest in a realllllly good vibrator.

Happy Holidays.  Happy New Year.  Happy Sexting.

Love,

V & J

Lesson #7: Basketball

Sorry we’ve been so MIA… life got in the way and before we could get you girls geared up for basketball season, some whore named Sandy blew into town and threw us off our game.  Now that things are back up and running, we wanted to make sure we did our jobs and have you all set to be watching basketball by tip off tonight.

Luckily, basketball is unlike football in the sense that there’s not much to understand at all.  Really tall, muscular guys run back and forth on a wooden floor and try to throw a big, orange ball into a hoop.  If a tall, muscular guy from the other team runs into you, you get to take free throws that are conveniently called “free throws”.  Free throws are worth 1 point, regular shots are worth 2, and shots from anywhere beyond the big horseshoe on either side of the court are worth 3.  Obviously there are some penalties and other confusing shit, but essentially girls, that’s basketball.

Now that you know you’ll understand the game, you really have no excuse to not throw on some skin tight leggings, knee high boots and a sweater that hugs you in all the right places, and walk your tight ass over to a sports bar.  Single girls: If you’re looking for a boyfriend, going to a bar for a basketball game is not the move you want to make-  there is constantly action and scoring which leaves little time for conversation.  If, however, your intention is to go meet some hot guy who is willing to head back to your place for an away game and then possibly have some sort of intelligent conversation over brunch, basketball just became your favorite sport.

Ideal scenario: You and your wing girl (who should always be hot, but not as hot as you) walk into the bar, scope out the room, and find your target.  Make sure when you approach the bar that you’re in his sight line, but not too close.  Once you have your drink, a quick eye-fuck is permitted, but that’s all.  Your glance alone should assure him that he has the green light to buy you and your less-attractive friend your next vodka sodas.  You girls find a table near where he’s sitting, sit down, and audibly cheer for the team you know more about.  Ex) if you’re watching a Lakers/Knicks game and you’re from NY but the only player you know is Kobe, PLEASE make it seem like you’re rooting for the Lakers.  It’s one thing to not really know about the sport, it’s another to instantly be seen as a fraud.  So, let’s go with that… it’s a Knicks/Lakers game, you’re in NY, and the gorgeous guy sitting at the bar with his boys is wearing a Knicks hat.  You see Kobe score and cheer loud enough so that he can hear.  Gorgeous turns around and conversation begins.

Gorgeous: You’re a Lakers fan?

You:  A Kobe fan…

Gorgeous: What, why?

*you don’t know why, think fast

You: Why not?

Gorgeous: Fair enough

Gorgeous turns around and keeps watching the game, but your pre-sit-down-eye-fuck was nowhere near forgotten.  He keeps making it look like he’s not looking over and checking you out but you know he is and you play along.  Someone hits a ridiculous shot on the Lakers, you have no idea who it is, but you tease him about it a little and realize your drinks are empty so you and wing girl walk over to where he is at the bar to get new ones.  His friends aren’t stupid so they start talking to yours while Gorgeous tells you to put your next drink on his tab. You take a seat next to him, spend the rest of the game sipping down vodka sodas (fuck Patti Stanger and her two drink minimum) and motion to leave after the 4th quarter.  If your friend is a good wing girl and his friends aren’t insanely ugly, your friend will say she’s going to stay for a little which gives Gorgeous the opportunity to offer to walk you home.  It’s getting cold out, it’s dark, and you guys have been picturing each other naked all night.  Obviously he’s walking you home.  By the time you get back to your apartment, you’ve already been touching each other for so long on the walk back that an invitation upstairs is unnecessary.  You stumble in to your place, coats are already on the floor, quickly followed by your tops, then your leggings, his jeans, and your back winds up flat on the couch before you even make it into the bedroom. We’d say that night is nothing less than a slam dunk.

Welcome back basketball season.  We’ve missed you.

Love,

V & J

 

Your Guy’s New Obsession…

 

 

Okay, so V and I have been introduced to this amazing new social media site.  On one end, we are really excited to tell you about it, but on the other, a little reluctant because girls, the second your guys find out about this site your sex life is going from marathons to quickies.  Guys… you’re welcome.

The daily routine of someone with a vagina usually goes somewhat like this:

wake up, check Facebook, shower, brush teeth, check Facebook, get dressed, check Facebook, go to work, sit on Facebook the entire time pretending you have any idea what the fuck you’re supposed to actually be doing at your job, come home, check Facebook, watch last nights episode of Revenge, check Facebook, see your Monday night guy is online, hit him up for a booty call, sit on Facebook the entire time until he gets there, bang for a little, kick him out so you can spend the next hour or so on Facebook and then go to sleep.  The amount of time we spend daily on Facebook is nothing less than sickening, and when you think about it, we could totally be putting those hours to much better use like dedicating ourselves to community service, or like… shoe shopping.

This new social media site we’ve been introduced to is called “SportStreet”.  It pretty much is Facebook on crack for sports fans and there is a huge possibility that our new addiction to it will be the reason we fail out of school.  We understand that our chardonnay sipping girlie girls may not be as amped about this as we are, but heed our warning, your guys will be.

What does this mean for you?  Well, for one, congratulations!  You no longer need to be checking the history of your boyfriend’s laptop to see if he’s been watching any porn… he hasn’t.  He blew his load the second he saw that when he “joined the New York Giants”, he got the twitter feeds of all of the players, the team, and anyone in the business tweeting about the G-Men right in front of him without ever having to go to twitter.  Oh… and soon the instagram accounts are being aggregated, as well.  Secondly, doggie style just became a huge part of your routine, so we hope you’re into that shit.  Why? Well, for one they love it so they’ll cum right away so they can get their asses right back at their laptop and onto SportStreet, but also, they can have the computer right next to your head watching the scores of all of their games and seeing what other fans are saying about what’s happening in live chats.  Soooo essentially he’s fucking you and having a full conversation about sports at the same time.  Let’s be honest, you were picturing Ryan Reynolds ripping off his wedding ring behind you anyway- we’re just more discrete about our fantasies.

Bottom line girls, we suggest you call up your guys and have them take you out for a niceeee long dinner tonight, followed by a bottle of wine on the couch and a night of passionate love making (I think I threw up in my mouth when I said that…) because once they find out about SportStreet, you can pretty much kiss those night goodbye.

SportStreet

Love,

V & J

BRING BACK THE REFS!

You know how we always advise you to ask your guys questions when you don’t understand what’s going on?  Under normal circumstances, we stand by that 100% however, when it comes to the replacement officials in the NFL, not only is your guy probably sick of talking about it, but he can’t explain the inexplicable.

For those of you who have no idea what happened on Monday night when the Green Bay Packers went into Seattle to play the Seahawks, the replacement officials made such a bad call that not only did it cost the Packers a win, it cost Jade her week in fantasy.  We are fired up and we have a feeling your guys are, too.  We realize that our main purpose is to teach you how to use sports knowledge to enhance your sex life, but in this case, we really just wanted to break the news to you that until this situation between the real refs and the NFL is rectified, you most likely won’t be getting any on Thursday, Sunday, or Monday nights.  That sexy black, lace push up bra you got to grab your guys attention?  We suggest you wear it on one of the other nights of the week.

Just to give you a slight understanding of how stupid these new refs are, we made some comparisons you’re sure to identify with.

THE NEW REFS ARE DUMBER THAN:

1. Karen from Mean Girls

2. Miley Cyrus’s new haircut

3. Eating a doughnut

4. Bruce Jenner’s face

5. Ordering a latte without starting with the word “skinny”

6. ABC having Ben Flajnik on as The Bachelor

7. Honey Boo-Boo’s parents

8. Joey Tribbiani

9. Spencer losing her virginity to Toby

10. Going out on a Saturday night in flats

We’d tell you girls to boycott the NFL until they bring back the old refs, but who are we kidding… you haven’t watched a snap of football yet.

Here’s hoping the refs don’t fuck over the Giants on Sunday…

Love,

V & J

End the Lock Out!!!

 

To all of our Jewish readers, we would like to wish you a Happy New Year, however, it seems at though that will not be possible.  What is happy about a year without the NHL?– Girly Girls, that’s the National Hockey League.  The NHL has announced that it is in a lock out for the upcoming season and while we’ll point out a couple of things that makes this okay for you girls, there are a lot more why it fucking sucks.  Winter may be extra shitty his year….

First of all, hockey players are not like football or baseball players.  The BEST players in the game make what a mediocre-hardly-ever-plays player makes in the other sports.  Hockey players aren’t nasty or spoiled, they’re just nice guys who work their asses off to ultimately have their noses broken and teeth knocked out.  We have met a lotttt of athletes over the years and there are no nicer (and often times, hotter) athletes than hockey players.  For this reason, it’s good for you girls that hockey is in a lock out.  No games, no practices, no curfews… they’re on their own just waiting for some sexy girl in a tight dress and high wedges to get them to buy her a drink.  We can’t think of any reason why that girl shouldn’t be you.

For those of you girls who are already spoken for and not trying to get inside the jeans of some HAFA, you get to use this as an opportunity to spend some more time with your guy.  Make it clear to him that the absence of real hockey doesn’t mean he gets to replace it with NHL ’12.  If the real game is on a lock out, so is the video game.  Just make sure whatever you’re doing with him makes him just as excited as his team on a power play tied up in the 3rd period… we have faith in you to figure something out.

Like we said, though, those are the minor reasons why this is good news.  Ultimately, this really is just awful for everyone involved.  If it’s one of your LRG nights at a sports bar on a Saturday night and there’s no basketball game on in your area, who the hell is going to hit on you? You’re actually going to just be stuck, sitting at a bar forcing down a MGD 64 watching the time pass and hoping for a booty call just to get you out of there.

*our advice to you…. be better than the booty call.

Worst of all, is that your guys are going to be in a bad mood… ALL-THE-TIME.  Not being able to reap the benefits of the ridiculous off-season moves the Rangers made or watch Sidney Crosby back in action coming off an injury is going to be increasingly more infuriating as time goes on.  We’ve happened to notice that the more guys are frustrated about other things in their life, the bigger dicks they are to us.  We have enough shit to worry about like who the fuck A is (besides Mona and ugly Toby) or what’s going on with Emily and Daniel to have to deal with their shit too.  Any added stress is just going to put a weight on our relationship, and ultimately, our sex life that we should not have to endure.

While we’re on the subject of our sex lives, have you girls ever actually taken the time to watch a hockey game?  It’s actually so hot its pornographic.  When these gorgeous guys with incredible hair throw off their helmets and start beating the shit out of each other all because they’re trying to win, that is alpha-male syndrome at it’s finest and unless they were eating a steak while doing it, there really is no bigger turn on.  We always say the manlier, the better and it doesn’t get much more masculine than watching guys fight for what they want while seeing blood on the ice.  All of that considered, the games are usually over by 10:00, so there’s plenty of time for you to watch this “porn” then call your guy and tell him you’re still on for tonight but instead of going to that bar with a million people you don’t care about, you’re kind of in the mood to just stay in with him.  We’d say that’s something you should be looking forward to but the greedy as fuck owners took that privilege away from you.  These whores, nice young girls know what’s up…

Here’s crossing our fingers for a speedy resolution…

Love,

V & J

When Sports Stress Out Your Guy…

New York girls, we are officially in crisis mode.  No, it’s not because Cablevision stopped showing The CW (although the stress of that happening before fall premieres has resulted in V refilling her Xanax script).  It’s because our guys have been in the most foul, horrible moods lately.  Scared it was just you?  It’s okay, you can stop worrying.  He isn’t acting like a dick or being distant because he’s upset about that comment you made about his best friend’s drinking problem and he hasn’t been avoiding you because you gained two pounds… he’s just depressed.

For the past few days, your guy has literally been watching his world crumble right before his eyes.  First, talks of the NHL (that’s hockey- the one they play on ice) lockout popped up. Then, the Knicks released their new, atrocious uniforms.  Okay, we know that doesn’t seem like such a big deal, and in all honesty, it’s not, but they changed something our boys have been loving since the day they came into existence for the worse- kinda sucks.  Thennnnnn the Yankees decided they felt like emulating their little brother, the Mets, and blew a ten game lead, to now be tied for first place.  Again, girls, this may not seem like a big deal to you because if they’re tied for first, they’re still in first, but for the first time in a while, Yankee fans are having to brace themselves for the possibility that they’ll be without baseball in October.  The Yankees are to October baseball and Justin Bieber is to Selena Gomez… they just go together- although the pedophiles in us may wish otherwise. If allllll of that wasn’t enough, the Giants showed up to their first game of the season looking totally uninspired, totally disinterested, and honestly… they played like shit.  That’s four out of the six things he cares about (the other two being his mom and his dick) betraying him in some way, shape, or form over an incredibly short period of time.  If four of your girls went behind your back out of nowhere and did things that collectively tore you apart would you be all mushy, lovey-dovey, smiling and happy with your guy?  No, you’d be a fucking bitch, so cut your guys some slack because they’re dealing with a lot right now.

If we just sounded harsh, we apologize.  We are only tough on you because we want the best for you, and what is best for you right now is to get your guy out of this sad place and into the bedroom (or back seat of your car, the kitchen table, the living room sofa… wherever is closest).  How are you going to do that when everywhere he goes he is bombarded by conversations regarding his depression?  It won’t be easy but we have developed a step-by-step plan to putting a smile on your NY sports fan’s face- oh, and yours too.

1. Post-Work Dinner

We know the work day is almost over and he should be getting ready to head home.  It’s Friday night, so we’re assuming you have plans to see him tonight.  You know what cheers V and me up?  Saving money.  In stead of letting him take you out to dinner tonight, call him and ask if you can just come over and cook dinner in his apartment.  When he says yes- because let’s face it, of course he will, it’s Friday and he’s tired from a long work week, head over there with all the ingredients you need to cook his favorite meal and a bottle of red wine.  We know you girly girls are all chardonnay drinkers, but get over it- tonight is all about him and his cabernet franc.  As far as attire goes, we know you’re just going over to his apartment to cook dinner but tonight is about cheering him up.  Wear a low cut tee shirt with skin-tight jeans and heels.  If you want to change that up a little bit, fine, but let us be clear on this much: the heels are non-negotiable.  He wears condoms for you even though he doesn’t want to, the least you can do is throw on a pair of 4-6 inchers.  When you walk inside, the first thing you need to do is kiss him hello.  We’re not talking the kind of kiss you give him when you’re just saying hi at any other normal time.  We’re talking pull his body close to yours, one hand drawing him into you by his belt loops, the other on the back of his neck, and giving him and I-want-you-now kiss.  After that sudden, but welcome shock, walk him over to the couch, hand him his X-Box controller, and tell him that he is not allowed to stop playing Madden until dinner is finished and it’s time to come eat.

***We know we’ve told you about Madden once before.  All you need to know is that it’s a football video game and it’s something they can win at.  Winning cheers guys up big time.

Once dinner is ready, call him in and make sure you’re looking your absolute best and have a BIG glass of wine poured for him.  He’ll really appreciate all the time that you took to make this nice for him and his mood should start to improve after that first bite of salmon.

2. Post-Dinner Movie

If you did your job right, that man of yours is in a food coma.  No need to now get all dressed up and go to a bar.  Sit on his couch and turn on a movie- preferably his favorite comedy.  Listening to Jason Segel serenade Mila Kunis with a number from his Dracula Musical is a sure-fire way to make sure he keeps smiling.  During the movie, we recommend you go into your bag and take out your favorite lotion.  Crawl behind your guy and sit so that he’s in between your legs, rub some lotion on your hands to warm it up, and start giving him a massage.  Start with the neck and shoulders, then take his shirt off and get his whole back, digging your nails into him and moving your hands into his head.  There has never been a man in the history of the world who doesn’t love getting a head massage and how great is it that you can use something so simple to cheer him up?

***When choosing a movie make sure it is not about sports.  The last thing you need to is have your guy who is already incredibly depressed over sports watching a movie about a team that wins in the end.

3. Post-Movie Drinks

Well, the movie just ended.  Now what?  You made him a nice, romantic dinner, you let him watch one of his favorite movies, and you gave him an upper body massage during most of it.  We have a feeling your guy is in a much better mood.  But, just to make sure, we started with wine, let’s keep going with that. Tell him to sit and relax while you go pour some more wine for the two of you.  When you bring the wine back over, in stead of putting it down and sitting next to him, hand him his glass and then sit on top of him so that you’re straddling him.  We’ll bet you anything that if you bring your pelvis forward a little bit when you sit, you’ll feel how happy he was that you chose to sit there.  Once you feel that, you have proof that you’ve cheered him up and his night is only about to get better.  Kiss, finish your wine, do whatever you want to do while you’re sitting there, but make sure by the time you’re ready to move, there is nowhere he’s letting you go except down on the coach, on your back. We have a feeling he’ll be releasing a lotttt of his stress on you, but be honest, that’s all you really wanted to begin with.

So, there you have it.  We predict by the end of the night your boys will have forgotten how sad they’ve been all week and you will have a newfound appreciation for staying in on a Friday night.  This is one game that everybody wins.  Good luck, and have a wonderful Friday night.

Love,

V & J

Reasons to Watch Week 1

Okay, girls, so if you haven’t already read our post below… get on it because regular season football is upon us, and holy shit are we excited. Just in case we haven’t gotten you as hot and bothered about this as we are, we have some motivation here for you.  Game by game this week, here’s who you need to be looking out for.

 

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 5TH, 8:30PM ON NBC 

New York Giants vs. Dallas Cowboys

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Miles Austin, Dallas Cowboys (ew), #19

 

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 9TH, 1:00PM ON CBS

Chicago Bears vs. Indianapolis Colts

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Jay Cutler, Chicago Bears, #6

 

Tennessee Titans vs. New England Patriots

The Pats have 2 of our players of the week, so this one is a tie…

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Wes Welker, #83

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Gronk, #87

 

Minnesota Vikings vs. Jacksonville Jaguars

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Adrian Peterson, Minnesota Vikings, #28

 

New York Jets vs. Buffalo Bills

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You know him from being player of the week, but Tim Tebow, #15

 

Houston Texans vs. Miami Dolphins

 

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Reggie Bush, Miami Dolphins, #22

 

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 9TH, 1:00PM ON FOX

Kansas City Chiefs vs. Atlanta Falcons

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Matt Cassel, Kansas City Chiefs, #7

 

Cleveland Browns vs. Philadelphia Eagles

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Scott Fujita, Cleveland Browns, #99

 

New Orleans Saints vs. Washington Redskins

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Pierre Thomas, New Orleans Saints, #23

 

Detroit Lions vs. St. Louis Rams

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Calvin Johnson, Detroit Lions, #81

 

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 9TH, 4:25PM ON FOX

Arizona Cardinals vs. Seattle Seahawks

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Russell WIlson, Seattle Seahawks, #3

 

Green Bay Packers vs. San Francisco 49ers

Again, one of these guys was a player of the week, but we had to give love to both sides, here.

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Aaron Rodgers, Green Bay Packers, #12

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Alex Smith, San Francisco 49ers, #11

 

Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. Carolina Panthers

Another player of the week, but here his is again…

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Cam Newton, Carolina Panthers, #1

 

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 9TH, 8:20PM ON NBC

Denver Broncos vs. Pittsburgh Steelers

Okay, regretfully, we never made this guy player of the week so feel free to do some more research on this one on your own if you want because he is a HAFA if we’ve ever seen one…

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Eric Decker, Denver Broncos, #87

 

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 10TH, 7:00PM ON ESPN

Baltimore Ravens vs. Cincinnati Bengals

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Ray Rice, Baltimore Ravens, #27

 

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 10TH, 10:15PM ON ESPN

Oakland Raiders vs. San Diego Chargers

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Darren McFadden, Oakland Raiders, #20

 

And there you have it.  Feel free to do whatever you want with these pictures, like we’ve told you a hundred times, we don’t judge.  Get ready to experience an incredible 22 week ride.  We’ll be with you every step of the way.

 

Love, 

V & J

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lesson #6: Football

Well, it’s officially here: the happiest, most wonderful time of the year.  If not for football season, we would hate winter time about as much as we hate Indian food, but thankfully we get to warm ourselves up in the frigid temperatures with low calorie beer, grilled chicken wings, and Special K chips.  We realize that over the past few weeks, we have been introducing you to our top hottest players, but we really never explained the sport of football to you. We want to make sure that when the time comes to watch these hot-as-fuck-athletes (HAFAs) in action, you’ll understand enough about what you’re watching to actually get into it.  Football has A LOT of rules with a lot of players playing a lot of positions, so we are going to break this down as minimally and simply enough that even Hanah Marin would understand.

We’re not entirely sure why, but most HAFAs are football players who play a position on offense, so that’s really where we’re going to place most of our focus.  While we appreciate offensive linemen, those are like the guys you want to make your best friend; they’re big, mushy, and cuddly.  The HAFAs are usually the play-makers.  Girls, you want someone who’s going to make the move, and someone who is going to score.  With that being said, there are four major positions on offense that we want you to know about/understand.

1) Quarterback:

You remember when you were in gym class in elementary school and you’d have those dreaded days when you’d have to go outside and play football?  The boys would all run around sounding like idiots shouting words like “blue” and “42” and you’d have no idea what they meant, right?  Well, they were emulating the play callers, and the man on the team who gets all the glory, the quarterback.  The center, the guy who crouches down and puts the ball between his legs snaps the ball to the quarterback, who then decides to either throw, or hand off the ball. The quarterback is the decision maker, and we don’t know about you, girls, but we don’t think there’s anything better than a guy who takes control.  Another reason to love the quarterback? When the team does well, he gets all the positive attention and handles it with grace, but when the team does badly, he still has all eyes on him and he takes it like a man.  These guys are very secure, again a quality right on top of our sexy list.

2) Running Back:

Whether they’re a tiny little cutie like the Jacksonville Jaguar’s, Maurice Jones-Drew, or 6’2″ like the St. Louis Ram’s Steven Jackson, running backs can all fit into the HAFA category because of their bodies… these guys are pure muscle.  These guys are smart, fast, and strong.  They need to be smart enough to figure out where the defense will leave a hole for them to run through, fast enough to get through the hole and down the field, and strong enough to run through multiple defenders who look like they could eat your entire family for a mid-day snack.

3) Wide Receiver:

Essentially, wide receivers really just need to get open, catch the ball, and run.  They need to be smart enough to read the defender and fast enough the get away from him, but really, that’s all the need to do… catch, run, score.

4): Tight End:

A tight end, essentially, is a wide receiver+.  A tight end does the catch, run, score, but they are typically a lot bigger like our first ever player of the week, Gronk, who is 6’6″, 265 lbs.  Since they are bigger and stronger than wide receivers, they are also used for blocking.

Okay, so now that you know some of the major positions, you’re ready to learn how the game works.  Like we said, we are going to keep this simple, easy, and in a language you’ll understand.  Have you ever wondered why guys like sports so much?  It’s because they have so much in common with sex… football, especially.  So, like you didn’t already know we were going there, that is what we’re going to use to explain the game to you.  We have a feeling it’s going to click right away.

For our purposes, the offense is someone who is super into you and you may or may not already be hooking up with, we’ll call him Matt, and the defense is some crazy, jealous ex-boyfriend, we’ll call him Adam.  The offense gets four chances to move the ball ten yards.  These chances are called downs, and if you manage to accomplish that, all you get is a new set of downs until, ultimately, you score or just fuck up. So, basically, Matt gets to try to buy you four drinks at a bar with Adam standing there trying to talk to you and touch you the whole time. If Matt is successful in just getting you the drink, we can call that a first down, but if he gets you the drink, and a kiss in front of Adam, we’ll call that a first down and moving into Adam’s territory.

***when the offense moves into the defense’s territory, it means that they are now in a  good position to score. We like your odds, Matt.

***if at any point, Adam steals you away from Matt, or kisses you, or anything to assert his dominance, that is what we call- besides a dick move- an interception which is what puts the other team’s offense in control.  You don’t want that, Matt doesn’t want that, nobody wants that.  That’s why the offense does everything in it’s power not to allow that to happen.

Once you, Matt, and Adam are nice and drunk and things with Adam really seem to be progressing to where he’s in the red zone– 20 yards away from the end zone– where touchdowns are scored, this is where things get interesting. If Matt keeps making advances, you’re sitting next to him, hand on his leg rubbing from his knee, up his thigh and inward, only to have Adam ultimately tell you he really needs to talk to you and pull you aside, that would be like failing to score in the red zone.  Why is failure to put points on the board similar to a hand job? It’s annoying for everyone involved.  It’s annoying for you because you feel bad for Adam but really wanted to just go home with Matt, it’s annoying for Matt because he worked so hard to get absolutely nowhere, and it’s annoying for Adam because as amazing as it is that he got some of what he wanted, he dealt with so much stress to get you away from Matt, and he still didn’t get you back- aka no points on the board.

A different scenario, could be that Matt takes you outside of the bar for a bit.  You talk a little, kiss a little, and it gets to the point where he’s got you pushed up against the building, his hands grabbing at your hair and your face, his lips on your neck, and he’s dragging you into the alley behind the bar.  Drunkenly, you both forget you’re in public, not back at his apartment, your knees fall to the ground with his jeans, and over comes Adam who has a nervous break down, and you need to stop what you’re doing immediately and go console him.  While it’s great for Matt that he got half way through a blow job, in football terms, we would equate that to a field goal.  A field goal is when the offense moves the ball far enough down the field that their kicker can kick it through the uprights (the thing at the back of the end zone that looks like a fork with no middle tines.)  If the kicker manages to accomplish that, it’s three points, as opposed to a touchdown which is seven points, thus, it is only a blow job and not going all the way.

Then, there’s the situation where Adam doesn’t walk back to find you and Matt in the alley and you do make it back to his apartment where you two end up spending the entire night going deep and scoring.  That, obviously, is our seven point touchdown.

Whoever has the most points at the end of the game wins. We realize there is so much that we haven’t explained to you like penalty flags, sacks, blitzes, safeties, two point conversions, etc. but there are two reasons for that.  First of all, this post would be longer than the Torah, and second, because guys LOVE getting to teach you about things they care about.  Now that you know enough to ask intelligent questions, he’s going to be so happy to share all of his insight about the game with you.

Any questions you have for us that you don’t want to ask your guys, feel free to leave a comment or message our Facebook page (www.facebook.com/2ballsnostrikes) and we’ll gladly help you girls out!

Until then… get ready, everyone.  The 2012 season opener is in a matter of hours and you get to spend at least one day and two nights a week with either your guys, your girls, or alone with your TV and your HAFAs.  We promise we won’t judge you for what you do if you choose option three.

BIG BLUE BUILD THE BRIDGE!

Love,

V & J

Ohh, and just because we find this hilarious…

Player #5: Wes Welker

Okay, so piercing blue eyes aside, he may not be the sexiest guy to ever hit a football field, but this adorable, boy-next-door looking wide receiver is just too cute to pass up.  Once again, this is a guy on that team from New England that we try our best not to talk/think about, but girls, look at that face!  How could you not just want to cuddle up next to the fire on a cold Boston night with Patriots #83, Wes Welker?!

Unfortunately, this little cutie (yes, little, he’s only 5’9″) got married this year BUT he’s not just a football player, he’s a celeb, and we all know those marriages never last.  With that being said, while we wait for the divorce rumors to circulate, we can plan our not-so-hostile takeover of little Wes’s heart and mind.  So aside from being the cutest thing on the planet, why do you love Wes?  Well first of all, he’s a hard-worker, and you know how we feel about driven guys.  The job/salary is not important… it’s the ambition that matters; the $9.5 million a year is just an added bonus. The best part about football players is that when we talk about how hard-working they are, a huge chunk of their “work load” is to work out.  We don’t care how short you are, Wes, your body makes up for it and more.

Another reason to wanna hug and squeeze this cutie munchkin?  Sympathy.  That fucking skinny bitch Gisele Bun-whateverthefuckherlastnameis (we don’t care) actually had the nerve to criticize Welker for not catching a pass in the Superbowl RIGHT after it happened.  I don’t care how small your waist is or long your legs are, you stupid baby daddy stealing whore, how dare you kick one of the most talented receivers in the league while he’s down!  He must have been soooo upset, and we only wish we could have been there to cheer him up.

With all of that being said, here’s what we suggest you do in preparation for the Mr. and Mrs. Welker split: practice dropping your cool-girl act and start being that nice girl your mommy and daddy (or in some cases, housekeeper) raised you to be.  Wes is a talented, charitable, loving, sweet, good old fashioned western boy.  He is 31 years old and does not need the stupid hard-to-get, tease-you-with-a-hand-job ways that you have been living your life.  We aren’t saying you need to start volunteering at a soup kitchen, but work on your charm and on being a grown up, mature woman. If he needs a shoulder to cry on after the split, be that shoulder!  Hopefully his lips will move from your shoulder, to your neck, to your chest, to your tummy… and you know where it’s going from there.  Not that we’re bad people, but Wes, we are reallllllly rooting for your marriage to fail… sorry we’re not sorry.

Just because we feel really disgusting about how much we just obsessed over a Patriot, we’ll just end this one by simply saying…

BIG BLUE 2012 LET’S GOOOOO!!!

Love,

V & J

PS if you want to see what that bitch wanna-be Kate Moss said after the Superbowl this past February, here it is.  Stupid whore.

Lesson #5: Sportscenter

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Revenge, Pretty Little Liars, Sex and the City reruns… these are shows that if anyone texts you during, making you miss even a syllable, they’re on your shit list for about 7-10 hours.  Guys don’t understand our obsession with the Carrie and Mr. Big saga, just like we don’t understand the devoted, love-struck look that takes over their face the second they hear the words, “This. Is. Sportscenter.”

Since ESPN’s inception on September 6th, 1979, Sportscenter has been interfering with your sex life.  There are two ways to go about handling this: force your guy to stop watching the show, or use it to your advantage.  Come on, you know us well enough by now to know we’re going with the latter.  Luckily for you, Jade happens to be as addicted to SC as your guys are, so we’ve broken down the show for you and are ready to move your guys eyes from Steve Levy to you.

There is nothing in life that comes without sacrifice.  Ladies, I’m sorry, but if you want to keep your guys away from SC for the night, you’re going to need to let him watch some games earlier.  He needs to know the scores of all his games just like you need to know the calorie count in all of your meals.  Making him go a whole night without any sports is cruel and unusual punishment, and you won’t like him when he’s feeling deprived. So with that, here is our first piece of advice: the mid-show blow job.  If your guy already saw Mike Trout make that ridiculous grab earlier in the night, there is no need for him to see it again on SC.  When you see on that left panel (yes, the producers at ESPN actually gave you that gift) that they’re about to talk about the Angels game, this is your moment to interject.  He just watched the game, he doesn’t get to see the highlights, too.  When its 3 topics away, sit behind him on the bed and start with a neck massage.  A massage while watching Jeter highlights?  Ummm hi, best girlfriend ever.  As the next story rolls along, move from the neck down the back and linger around the waist.  You’re still not doing anything too distracting and allowing him to watch his as-necessary-as-oxygen highlights.  As the next topic rolls along (and now the Angels game is only one away) move your hands to his things and even more inward just so you can brush your hand against him to make sure he’s hard (which, let’s be real, of course he is).  Then, the angels come up, and you make your move.  We have a feeling he’ll be more than receptive.

If you’re not in the mood to go in that direction that night, there’s always the option of making a midnight snack in which you’ll be the cherry on top.  Let him watch the first half of the show while you’re in the kitchen baking his favorite treat.  Not only will the aroma of fresh baked brownies flowing through the apartment start to distract him, when you walk in the room holding the brownies in one hand and whipped cream and chocolate syrup in the other, he’s going to get really hungry really fast.

Finally, you use Sportscenter as a compromise.  When there’s about 4-7 minutes left in the show, SC does something called Top 10 (J’s favorite part of her day), where they show the top 10 plays that have happened in all of sports for that day.  If you openly tell your guy he can watch Top 10 every night when he knows there are things you’d rather him do instead, it sounds like you’re just being generous.  If you want to make it even better… watch Top 10 with him!  Not only will you get an invaluable education in the world of athletics, and be named world’s best girlfriend, you’ll actually be pretty entertained.  We love them all, but the SC anchors say some of the most absurd, ridiculous things we’ve ever heard.

Unless you’re one of our reallllly girly girls who gets lucky enough to date a guy like  Zach Braff on Scrubs, this is something you’re just going to need to deal with.  We recommend you get out the lotion, pull out the baking sheets, and get ready to watch Jerome Simpson front flip into the end zone (they’ll never stop showing that play).  Warning: if your guy does happen to be like Zach Braff on Scrubs, check him for a hidden vagina.

Love,

V & J